Ep 176: The Evening Trigger Nobody Talks About

The hardest trigger isn't at the party. It's on your own couch, at the end of a regular Tuesday, next to your husband. In this episode, Christie gets personal — sharing what happened in her own marriage when she decided to invest in her health, what she learned about habit loops and evening triggers, and why one person changing is often enough to shift everything. Plus: three husband scenarios, the conversation you need to have, and how to rewire your evening routine so the habit loses its grip.

Topics covered: Christie's personal story: investing in her health at 52 | Why the evening is the hardest trigger — and the neuroscience behind it | Three husband scenarios and how to navigate each one | The conversation you need to have with your spouse | How Christie's 5:30am walks changed everything (and what that has to do with your sobriety) | Practical ways to change your evening routine | Why your growth is good for your marriage even when it's uncomfortable | Keeping your eyes on your own journey

The Sober(ish) Summer 2026 is officially open! We kick off July 1st and doors stay open all summer — jump in whenever you're ready. → Grab your spot here: https://www.thecatholicsobrietycoach.com/sober-ish-summer

You've been meaning to cut back. You've prayed about it. And somehow summer is here and nothing has changed. Soberish Summer combines brain science and your identity in Christ to help you understand what's driving the habit — and leave with a plan that's yours to keep. No strict rules + community, and real support.

$62. Starts July 1 Reserve your spot: https://www.thecatholicsobrietycoach.com

👉🏻 Get started with my FREE 5-Day Sacred Sobriety Kick Start
https://thecatholicsobrietycoach.mykajabi.com/5-day-sacred-sobriety-kick-start

👉🏻 Book a Clarity Call
https://thecatholicsobrietycoach.mykajabi.com/clarity-call

Visit my Website: https://thecatholicsobrietycoach.com

Transcript

 Welcome to the Catholic Sobriety Podcast, the go-to resource for women seeking to have a deeper understanding of the role alcohol plays in their lives, women who are looking to drink less or not at all for any reason. I am your host, Kristy Walker. I'm a wife, mom, and a joy-filled Catholic, and I am the Catholic sobriety coach, and I am so glad you're here I wanna describe a moment to you, so just tell me if this sounds familiar. Dinner is done, the kitchen's cleaned up, the kids are all handled. I'm talking homework, baths, whatever the evening looked like, and now it's finally, finally time to just stop. And your husband heads to the couch, turns on the TV, reaches for a beer or pours a glass of wine, and something in you almost automatically, almost before you've even made a conscious dec- decision, starts thinking about your glass. Not because you're at a party, not because anyone offered you something, not because there's any social pressure whatsoever. Just because it's maybe 8:00 PM, and this is what 8:00 PM has always looked like. That moment right there, that quiet, private, completely ordinary moment in your very own living room, is one of the hardest triggers there is, And a lot of us don't really think about that, but we are talking about it today, and I'm going to share something personal that I think is going to reframe the whole conversation. So last week we talked about the barbecues, the girls trips, and Aunt Mabel. That's the public stuff, the social pressure that you can see coming and prepare for. But today we're going into your living room because the trigger that catches most of us completely off guard isn't at the party. It's on our very own couch at the end of a regular Tuesday next to our husbands. And I want to be really clear about something before we start this episode. This episode is not about your husband. It's not about changing him. It's not about his choices, his drinking, whether he's supportive or not. His journey is his journey. This episode is about you, your habit, your evening routine, and how to protect the work that you are doing regardless of what is happening on the other side of the couch. So I'm going to share what's been happening in my own marriage lately because I think that it illustrates something really important about what happens when one person in a marriage decides to change, and it may surprise you. So let's get into it. I want to tell you something I've been doing over the past several weeks. It's been... Actually, it's been over a month, uh, and it has nothing to do with alcohol, but it has everything to do with what we are talking about today. I'm 52 years young, and earlier this year, I just hit a wall. Like, all of a sudden, hot flashes started coming. I had mental fog, low energy. I'd wake up in the morning, and I just wanted to keep sleeping, which is not really me. That's not who I've been in the past. I've been able to be a person that, you know, decides she wants to wake up early in the morning and does it, but I just couldn't. I was trying to eat well. I was trying to exercise. I was, I was doing my best, but I could not shift the perimenopause weight, and I wasn't feeling good. I was getting really discouraged. I watched so many YouTube videos. I read so many books. I did all the things. And then I realized I needed a program, I needed a community, because information alone was not doing it. I am a great researcher, by the way. Like, I love research, and maybe that's you too, 'cause when I'm researching, when I'm learning, when I'm gathering information, it feels a lot like I'm doing something, which I am, but it doesn't always lead to action. Sometimes it does, but it's-- I just felt like I couldn't get all the pieces of the puzzle in the right place. So I signed up with a func- a functional health practitioner. This has been a real investment financially and in terms of time and commitment. And before I did it, I had a conversation with my husband. Now, my husband and I have been married for almost twenty-two years. He's not always the , most health consistent, health conscious person, though when he is, he's absolutely amazing. If you know anything about , Exodus ninety, he does that every Lent. Go look it up. It's ninety days of serious fasting, prayer, and discipline, and he goes all in. He's done it, I don't know, I think he's done it like five times, like five years with maybe only one year of break. But then when Lent ends, he-- and he'd be the first one to tell you this, he just sh- slowly shifts back to his old ways of eating and, and doing life. So I wasn't asking him to join the program. I was just telling him about something that I wanted to do and making sure it was okay with our finances, because that's what we do with big decisions. We respect each other enough to have the conversations. So it wasn't like I was asking permission, but it was honoring the fact that we are a team. And he said yes. Of course, he did. Um, he'd, he'd been watching me struggle, and he knew that I needed something and that I was really, really trying and just not being able to get the results that I wanted and needed. So I started the program, and I started eating differently and moving my body differently and doing the work. And here's where it gets interesting Before I tell you what happened with my husband, I wanna spend a minute on why the evening is such a powerful trigger in the first place, because understanding this actually helps. Your brain runs on habits, and habits are built on a three-part loop. We've talked about this in previous episodes. There's a cue, a routine or craving, and a reward. So the cue is the trigger. It's the thing that tells your brain, "Okay, it's time." And the routine is the behavior, and the reward is what your brain gets out of it. So for a lot of women, the evening drinking habit has a cue that's almost invisible because it's so woven into everyday life. It may be the time, like 5:00 or 8:00 PM, whenever the day officially ends. It might be a location. It could be the kitchen, the couch, or a specific chair. It might be a hu- a ... It might be a person, like seeing your husband pour a glass, hearing the sound of clinking ice, and watching him reach for the remote. Your brain has run this loop so many times that it doesn't even wait for you to consciously decide anymore. It just starts. The craving shows up automatically because your brain learned this cue means that reward is coming. So this is a trained neural pathway. And the reason I'm telling you this is because it explains something really important. You cannot simply decide your way out of a habit loop. You actually have to change the loop itself, which means changing cues. So that brings me back to my husband. I started the program, I changed how I was eating, started moving a little bit more, and I didn't ask my husband to do any of it with me, although I make dinners so everybody is eating a bit healthier, although I give them other options that I'm not eating. So, like, for example, if we're having hamburgers, they might still have buns, and I'll have, like, I'll have it in a burger bowl, but you know, it's like that. So things were happening though. He started eating more mindfully, making better choices with what he was putting in his body. And it wasn't because I asked him to, I genuinely didn't, but just because something shifted in the house when I shifted. And then one day he started going on morning walks. He just decided to do it, getting up and doing his holy hour, which he has done for years by the way. This man does a full holy hour of prayer every single morning, and I deeply admire that even though I have not managed to do it myself yet. Um, so he does that and then we head out, or he did that and then he headed out for his walk. And he did that for about a week. And then one day I said, "Wake me up at 5:30, I wanna come with you and bring the dog." And he's... And I was like, "Is that okay with you? Are we cramping your style?" And he's like, "No, you can come with me. That'd be fine." So for the past two weeks, over two weeks, that's what we've been doing. He wakes me up at 5:30. I get up and I wanna be honest with you here, I do not talk probably for the first 10 minutes 'cause I'm still mostly asleep and he's already had an entire hour of prayer and coffee and I have had none of those things. So we just walk. And then slowly I wake up and we start talking and I mean really talking. We're like dreaming together, working through things together, having conversations that at the end of the day, you know, get interrupted by kids and phones and, and life. And then we get home and he gets ready for work and I, and this is the part that still surprises me, I'm already doing things like unloading the dishwasher, watering the plants, cleaning, cleaning up whatever the kids left in the sink the night before when they decided they needed to eat something at midnight. So I've been doing at 6:30 what I used to not do until later because I'd be sleeping until 7:00, uh, during the summer when my kids don't have school. But I'm not doing that. I'm feeling better. I have more energy. My mental clarity has improved. And ladies, my hot flashes are gone. This is... I am so thankful for this. But the best part is my mornings have completely changed. And my husband, he hasn't joined my program. He's not doing exactly what I'm doing, but he's walking with me every morning. He's eating better. Something is shifting in him because something has shifted in me. And I didn't ask him to change. I just changed Now, I'm sharing all of this because I think it illustrates something I see over and over in my coaching work, and something that I really want you to hear if you're worried about how your husband is going to respond to your desire to drink less. When one person in a marriage decides to do something hard for their health, it creates a ripple. Not always immediately, not always in the way that you'd expect or maybe even hope, but it happens. That said, every marriage is different, and I want to speak to a few different situations. So the first scenario is he doesn't really drink, or he could take it or leave it. This should be the easiest situation, and in some ways it is, but here's what I notice with clients here. The trigger isn't him, but the trigger is the routine, the time of day, the couch, the making dinner, the winding down. Those cues are just as powerful even when nobody next to you is pouring a glass. The habit loop does not require an audience, so don't be surprised if you're still feeling the pull at eight PM even in a dry household. That's the loop doing its job, and you still have to change it. The second scenario is that he drinks, but he doesn't fully understand what you are doing or why. This one is the most common that I see, and I want to be careful here because I think it's really easy to make the husband the villain, and most of the time he is not. When he reaches over and pours you a glass out of habit, he's probably not trying to sabotage you. He loves you. He knows you like wine. This is what you've always done together, and nobody told him it wasn't helpful anymore. And sometimes underneath that, if he's honest, he might even be a little worried about what is going to change, about who you are becoming, about whether the two of you will still connect the same way. And that worry might come out kind of sideways, like in a comment or an eye roll, or in just not really getting it. And that's not usually malice, it's usually fear. So give him the benefit of the doubt and then have the conversation. The third scenario is that he seems resistant or doesn't get it at all. So maybe he keeps bringing alcohol home, maybe he makes comments, maybe he just genuinely doesn't understand why this is a big deal Here's what I want to offer you. Your desire... Here's what I want you to know. Your desire to change might be holding up a mirror that he's just not ready to look into, and that's not your fault, and it's not something that you can fix. But it is worth bringing to prayer for him, for your marriage, for the grace that moves through a sacrament, even with- when both people don't fully see it yet. And regardless of which s- which scenario you're... And regardless of which scenario you are in, you cannot wait for him to get on board before you give yourself permission to begin. My husband didn't join my health program. He didn't sign up for anything. He just watched me show up for myself, and something in him responded to that. His journey is his, and your journey is yours Now, I always tell my clients, "Talk to your husband." I know some of you are tempted to just quietly try to drink less, but... I know some of you are tempted to just quietly drink less without making it a whole thing, and I understand. I've even had women say like, "But if I tell him, and then I do want something to drink, then he's gonna be like, 'Oh, I thought you weren't drinking.'" So, I mean, there's that, too. But it does warrant a conversation because he's your husband. He lives with you. He's going to notice something is different. And it's so much better for him to hear it from you with context and love than to just sense a shift and not know what to make of it. Here's what that conversation can look like. Just tell him what's on your heart. You don't need to make a big presentation or make a defense for it. Just be honest and say something like, "I've been feeling like alcohol is taking more from me than it's giving, and I wanna cut back or take a break, and I'm still figuring out exactly what that looks like, but I wanted you to know because I love you, and I don't want to be doing this without you knowing." And then here's an important part of that conversation. Tell him what you need. Tell him, "I'm not asking you to stop drinking. I'm just asking for your support. It could really help me if we didn't keep alcohol in the house for a little while, or if you keep your beer in the garage fridge, or, or just if you could not offer me a glass out of habit, that would be so helpful." And then let him respond. He might surprise you. I asked my husband about a significant financial investment in my health. That wasn't an easy conversation, but he knew I was struggling. He wanted me to be healthy and here for our family as long as the Lord allows, and he said yes. Your husband wants that for you, too, even if he doesn't know how to show it yet. Okay, the couch, the TV, the habit loop. Practically speaking, what do you actually do? The number one thing I tell my clients is to change your evening routine as much as possible. The habit is attached to specific cues, the time, the location, the activity. So you have to disrupt those cues. Change the location. If you always drink on the couch watching TV, the couch watching TV is now a trigger. You don't have to avoid your husband, and in fact, I don't recommend it, but you might spend the first part of the evening somewhere else, like read in the bedroom, give yourself a facial, sit outside. Let that association weaken over time. And then find new ways to connect. A lot of women drink in the evening because it's the ritual that they share with their husband. It's how they transition from the chaos of the day into time together, and that ritual matters. You just need a new one. For us, it ended up being five thirty AM walks. I would not have predicted that, but there we are, some barely conscious dog on the leash, walking through the neighborhood, dog trying to chase all the gazillions of bunnies that are hopping around, and talking about our lives. And it has given us something the evening TV routine never quite did, uninterrupted time to actually be present with each other. Now, you don't have to do five thirty AM walks, but find something, a walk after dinner, a game instead of TV, a designated time to actually talk without the noise of screens, praying the rosary together, a date night out where the focus is on each other And then give yourself something to look forward And then give yourself something to look forward to drinking. Have something like sparkling juice, a good NA option, something that feels like a treat. If you are swapping wine for tap water, your brain is going to notice the downgrade and not be happy about it. So give it something it actually wants and gets excited about. And then have a plan for the hard moment, because there will be a moment, probably many moments, where he's sitting there with his drink, and the day was long, and everything in you just wants to give in because it seems easier. But have something ready before you need it. A text to a friend, a short prayer, a reminder on your phone, something that creates a pause between the craving and the decision. That pause is everything Now I wanna come back to something that I said earlier, that I started this health program because I want to be a good steward of my body. I want to be healthy and present for my family for as long as the Lord allows. That's it. That's the whole motivation. Not a number on the scale, not fitting into something by a certain date, although that would be nice, but my big why is being here, being well, showing up fully. And here's what I have noticed. When I show up for myself out of motivation, not guilt, not shame, not I should, something different happens. I actually do it. I get up at 5:30. I eat the way that I said I would. I feel the benefits, and they reinforce the dec- the decision. I think the same is true for this work. When you decide to drink less, not because you're disgusted with yourself, but because you are a beloved daughter of God who was made for more than a habit that's stealing your presence, that's a different energy. That's sustainable motivation. And here's the thing about marriage being a sacrament. Grace moves through it. When you do this work, when you become more present and more healed and more fully yourself, that doesn't diminish your marriage. It enriches it, even when it's uncomfortable at first, even when the routine shifts, and even when he doesn't fully understand yet. My husband is walking with me at 5:30 in the morning. He didn't plan it. Actually, he did plan the morning, but it was when I started changing that something in him responded. Now, I'm not promising that that's going to happen in your marriage on your timeline, but I'm telling you it's possible, and I'm telling you that you cannot wait for him to be ready before you begin. His journey is his, and yours is yours, and God called you, you specifically by name into this. That invitation doesn't have an expiration date Now, before I wrap up, as I'm recording this, the Soberish Summer is officially open, and I would love for you to register now and be part of it. This, exactly this, is the kind of work and conversations we do and have together, because doing this in community with women who are navigating the same living rooms, the same couches, and similar husbands makes it so much less lonely. We kick things off on July 1st, but the doors are staying open all summer long, so whenever you hear this, whenever you're ready, whether that's today or the middle of July, you can jump in and start. There's no wrong time to begin this work. You are not behind. Grab your spot at the link in the show notes to register, and I'll see you inside. Okay, friend, here's what I want you to carry today. Okay, friend, here's what I want you to carry with you today. That evening trigger is real. The couch is a cue. The habit loop is powerful, and none of that means you're failing. It means you're human with a very well-trained brain. Change your routine, have the honest conversation with your husband, give him the benefit of the doubt, and ask for what you need. Find a new way to connect -- that isn't built around what's in your glass, and then keep your eyes on your own work because this is your journey. You don't need his permission to begin, and you don't need him on the same page to keep going My husband started walking. I started walking with him. I started eating better. He started eating better too. We didn't plan that. God did something quiet and good, pouring graces into our sacramental marriage that helped both of us do better. Trust the process, do your work, and let God handle the rest. His journey is his, your journey is yours. I'll be back next week with a question that sounds simple, but will stop you in your tracks if you actually sit with it. And I'm gonna just give you a sneak peek on what that is. Start thinking about who are you without a drink in your hand? Not what do you do without it, not how do you cope, who are you? That one is going to go somewhere real, so you're not gonna wanna miss it. I'll talk to you again soon Well, that does it for this episode of the Catholic Sobriety Podcast. I hope you enjoyed this episode, and I would invite you to share it with a friend who might also get value from it as well. And make sure you subscribe so you don't miss a thing. I am the Catholic Sobriety Coach, and if you would like to learn how to work with me or learn more about the coaching that I offer, visit my website, thecatholicsobrietycoach.com. Follow me on Instagram @thecatholicsobrietycoach. I look forward to speaking to you next time. And remember, I am here for you. I am praying for you. You are not alone.