Ep 182: What Nobody Tells You About Quitting Drinking

Nobody warns you about the messy middle. You've gotten through the beginning, you're past the pink cloud, and now the doubt is setting in — is this sustainable? Can I really keep this up? In this episode Christie shares what happened the morning after she moved into her new home and why it's the perfect picture of what women go through when they start releasing alcohol. Plus: the marriage analogy that changed how one of her clients thought about sobriety, what surfaces when you stop numbing, and how to stay in it when it gets hard.

Topics covered: The morning Christie cried in her new closet — and what it has to do with sobriety | What the messy middle actually feels like | The pink cloud and what comes after it | Sobriety is like marriage — choosing it when you don't feel like it | The wound underneath the doubt | How to move through grief without going back | The specific fears that surface and what to say to them | The warning and the hope

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Transcript

 Welcome to the Catholic Sobriety Podcast, the go-to resource for women seeking to have a deeper understanding of the role alcohol plays in their lives, women who are looking to drink less or not at all for any reason. I am your host, Kristy Walker. I'm a wife, mom, and a joy-filled Catholic, and I am the Catholic sobriety coach, and I am so glad you're here I wanna tell you about the morning after we moved into our new house. Now, it's not new now. We've actually been in it for 12 years. But I wanna take you all the way back to when it was new. We had been in our old house, it, which was a very modest starter home, for 10 years. We thought we'd be there for five years, but then there was the whole housing market crash and all of that. And in that time, we'd started to outgrow it. We had three boys and a growing family, and the space, again, it was small. It was a good house, and we were so blessed and thankful for it, but it was a space that just wasn't serving us anymore. And for years, I had been wanting something bigger, something that actually fit our life. And during that time, I would just watch HGTV constantly, and I was always looking and always dreaming about when we would be able to move . And then finally we found it, a home in a great neighborhood. It was bigger than anywhere I had ever lived. It had stairs. Our boys were so excited to have a stair house, as they called it. And I had never lived anywhere with a second level and a walk-in closet. And the best part is it has this little office space off the bedroom for me to work. It felt completely out of our league, but we put in an offer, and I prayed like crazy, and it went through. And we moved in, and it was everything that we had been hoping for and more And the next morning after we moved in, it was a big rush and to get out of our old house and into the new house, and it was like an all-day thing, everybody was helping us. We slept in our new home that night, and the next morning I woke up, went into my beautiful new closet, sat on the floor and cried. Not happy tears either. It was grief, real grief for the old house, the 10 years of memories, the home where we brought our babies home from the hospital, where they took their first steps, where we had birthday parties in the backyard. Now listen, I knew I didn't wanna go back. I didn't want to live there anymore, but I was grieving it anyway. My husband walked into the closet, and he found me there, and he's like, "What is wrong?" And I didn't have an answer. I just knew that even though this was everything that I had wanted, something in me needed to mourn what we had left behind before I could fully step into what was ahead. And I think about that mourning a lot when I'm coaching women through the messy middle of letting go of alcohol, because the grief is real, and nobody talks about that. So here's what I want you to hear today. If you are in the early stages of reducing or eliminating alcohol, the hard part isn't always the beginning. Sometimes the hardest part comes after you've started doing it, after that initial motivation has worn off, after the first few weeks where everything felt new and possible and you were riding that wave of progress, in sobriety circles, they call it the pink cloud, that early stage where you feel really good, really clear, and really hopeful. Everything is working, and you feel like you've cracked the code, and maybe this is actually going to be okay. And then the pink cloud lifts, and real life is still there, and you realize, "Oh, this is going to be a long-term thing. This is going to require something from me every single day. And some of those days, I'm just not going to want to do it." And that's when questions come up. Is this normal? Can I really keep this up? I felt so good, and now I don't feel so good. Does that mean that this isn't working? What if I can't sustain it? And that is what we are going to talk about today because yes, that is normal, all of it, and the fact that you're in it doesn't mean that you're failing. It might actually mean that you're finally doing the real work. let me tell you what surfaces when women start releasing alcohol because it's not just the absence of the drink, it was everything the drink was covering. Other emotions come up, things she's been numbing, avoiding, postponing, grief she hasn't let herself feel, anxiety that was always there, but quieter with wine in the way. Loneliness, anger, sometimes just a vague, uncomfortable feeling that she can't name, but she can't really escape it either. She has to learn how to relax, and this sounds simple, and it is not. If alcohol has been her off switch for years, the thing that signals to her body that the day is done and she can just stop performing and turn off her brain, she now has to find something else to do that job, and it-- that takes time. Her nervous system has to learn something new She also has to learn how to sit with discomfort. Not fix it, not numb it, not escape it. Just sit with it. And for a woman who is disciplined and capable and used to solving problems, sitting with something uncomfortable without reaching for a solution is genuinely hard And then she starts asking if it's even worth it. Not because she wants to go back, but because the distance between where she was and where she wants to be just feels so far away, and she's tired, and she's doing this every single day, and she wants to know if this is always going to feel like this. And it's not. I promise you it is not. But I do understand why it feels that way right now I said something to a client a few months ago, and I wanna share it with you because I think it's a really good way to look at this season. My client was struggling. She had felt so good and so excited at the beginning, and now she didn't feel so good or excited. And she was wondering if it was always going to be this hard, and if all of her efforts were really worth it. Like, could she even do this? Could she even maintain this? And I said to her, "This is kind of like marriage, Not in the beginning. In the beginning, marriage feels easy. You're in love. You're choosing each other because you want to, because it feels right and good and exciting. And that honeymoon phase, it is real. But then real life hits, and there's bills to pay and hard seasons and exhausting seasons and seasons where you look across the room at your spouse and you have to make a choice, not because you feel like it, not because it's easy, but because you chose this person and you are going to keep choosing them. You stay not because it always feels good. You stay because you made a covenant, because the commitment is bigger than the feeling. And that choosing, that staying present in the hard, it's beautiful, it's sanctifying, and it's where real intimacy and love, deep love is built And breaking free from alcohol is like that. The honeymoon stage is real, and it's wonderful, and then it ends, and you have to choose it, not because you feel like it every day, not because it's always easy, but because you made a commitment to yourself, to your own healing, to your own freedom, to the woman God is calling you to become. And choosing to stay present in that hard, that's not suffering, that's sanctification And here's what I realized in my closet the morning after we moved. The grief wasn't really about the house. It was about an old wound surfacing, a fear that I had been carrying for a long time, that when good things happen, something bad is sure to be around the corner. That when I finally get what I've been hoping for, it's going to be taken away. That good things don't last for me. That lie had been quietly running underneath things for years, and it didn't surface until I was standing in my new home with my loving husband and my beautiful children, with everything I ever wanted, 'cause that's when it had something to be afraid of losing. I see this exact thing happen with women in the messy middle of breaking free from alcohol They're doing it. They're actually doing it, and things are getting better, and sleep is improving, and mornings are clearer, and they're showing up differently for their families. But that's when the doubt crashes in. What if I can't sustain this? What if it falls apart? What if I'm the exception, the one that this doesn't work for long term? And underneath that doubt is usually an old wound, a lie that says good things don't last, that you don't get to keep this, that something is going to take it away. That wound is not new, but removing alcohol has just brought it to the surface. And that is actually really good news because you cannot heal what you cannot see, and now you can see it So how did I get through that morning in the closet? Honestly, I just moved through it. I let myself feel the ache of what we left behind, and then I looked around at where we were, and I focused on the blessings that were right in front of me, and I kept going. It wasn't a lightning bolt moment or a dramatic breakthrough. I just chose to stay in it one day, one moment at a time until the new place started to feel like home. And that's exactly what I tell you to do in the messy middle. Feel the grief. It's real. You are allowed to grieve the thing that brought you relief, even if that relief came with cost. You don't have to pretend it was all bad. Some of it wasn't, and you can honor that and still keep moving forward. Just name that fear, and when the doubt hits, is this sustainable? What if it all falls apart? I want you to ask yourself, what wound is underneath that? What old lie is this fear feeding? Because usually it's not really about the alcohol. It's about something older and deeper, and naming it is the first step to healing it And then choose to stay in it, not because you feel like it, because you made a commitment, because the woman on the other side of the messy middle is worth it. Because God is doing something in this season that He cannot do if you leave too early Now I want to name some of the specific fears that come up in the messy middle because I think talking about them out loud takes away some of their power. So the first one is, how am I going to cope without it? How am I going to cope without my nightly glass of wine? You are going to learn, not all at once, but gradually. You're going to discover that your nervous system is more capable than you gave it credit for, that it can come down from the day and that you can sit with the discomfort without it breaking you. You are going to find other things, movement, music, prayer, a cup of tea that you actually sit and enjoy. It takes time, but I promise you it comes Another fear that comes up is how am I going to turn my brain off? This I hear all the time. But here's the thing, the wine chatter that you think alcohol was quieting, alcohol was actually creating a lot of that noise. The negotiating, the planning, the morning after fog, that was the alcohol talking. And as it clears, the quiet that you are looking for actually begins to arrive. Not immediately, but it does come And then another one is, what if I feel like this forever? You won't. You will not feel like this forever. The messy middle is a season, and every woman I've walked through it with has come out on the other side saying the same thing, "I'm so glad I stayed in it." And I can tell you from my own personal experience, I'm so glad, so glad I stayed in it. Not a day goes by that I regret my decision to release alcohol Now I wanna give you a warning and a hope at the same time. The warning is this, the messy middle is coming, if it's not already here, if you're not already experiencing it. Not because something is wrong, it's because something is right. You are doing the real work now. The surface stuff is done, and you're getting into the deeper layers, and that's where it gets harder before it gets better. That's where the emotions surface and the wounds show up and the doubt gets loud. Do not be surprised by it. Do not mistake it for failure. it is the most important part of the journey. Now here's the hope. It is also where the most meaningful and beautiful things happen, where the identity work gets real, where the inner healing actually starts, and where you discover who you are when you are not numbing, where God gets access to parts of you that were sealed off before. The messy middle is not an obstacle. It is part of your process, and you don't have to white-knuckle your way through it alone. That's what community is for, that's what coaching is for, and that's what this podcast is for So here's what I want you to carry with you today. The grief is real, the doubt is real, the fear, that's real too, and none of this means that you're not doing something right. You are doing things right, and you are healing. That's what it means. The messy middle is not a sign that this isn't working. It's a sign that you've gotten past the easy part and into the part that actually changes you. The woman who stays in it, who chooses it on hard days, who feels the grief and keeps going anyway, She is the one who will come out on the other side free And releasing alcohol isn't going to always feel like the pink cloud. Some days you're going to have to choose it the way you choose your marriage on a hard day, not because it feels good, but because you made a commitment, because the covenant is bigger than the feeling. And choosing to stay present in the hard, that's not just about reducing or eliminating alcohol. That's sanctification Okay, next week I'm going to talk about something I hear all the time from women in this work. How can I simplify my life so that alcohol doesn't have to do the job of managing my overwhelm? We'll talk practical tools, nervous system support, and how to ask for help. That one is going to be good. Don't miss it. I'll talk to you again soon Well, that does it for this episode of the Catholic Sobriety Podcast. I hope you enjoyed this episode, and I would invite you to share it with a friend who might also get value from it as well. And make sure you subscribe so you don't miss a thing. I am the Catholic sobriety coach, and if you would like to learn how to work with me or learn more about the coaching that I offer, visit my website, thecatholicsobrietycoach.com. Follow me on Instagram @thecatholicsobrietycoach. I look forward to speaking to you next time. And remember, I am here for you, I am praying for you. You are not alone.